A letter to my daughter

To my B!

I have wanted you for almost all of my life. As soon as I knew what babies were, I knew I wanted one.  The first baby I really knew was your Aunt Juli; she’s mommy’s younger sister.  She’s only 2 years younger than mommy, but I remember waiting for her to come home from the hospital, and I remember holding her and thinking that someday I wanted to have a little baby of my own.  We named you after her for a few reasons: she’s mommy’s best friend, a super cool lady, the best aunt ever, and the reason mommy wanted to have babies in the first place.  What a blessed girl you are to have such an amazing aunt!

I met your Daddy when we were 13, but didn’t really know him until 2006 when I was 21.  As soon as I saw his picture on Myspace, I thought he was a total hottie, and hoped to get to know him better. We started dating in April, and in February 2007, he asked me to be his wife.   I knew right away that he would be the best Daddy ever, and oh, was I right.  We were married at Nana and Poppie’s church on December 29^th, 2007, and I wanted to start having babies right away, but Daddy knew we needed to wait a little while.

I found out that you were growing in me on June 12^th, and I was so excited!!  I went out and bought a little boy shirt and girly pajamas for you since we didn’t know if you were a boy or girl yet, and a bottle of “Dad’s Rootbeer” early in the morning and came home to tell Daddy, and he was just as excited as me.  We decided to wait until I had been pregnant for three months to tell most people, but we told Grandpa, Grandma, Uncle Jared and Uncle Evan on Fathers Day (June 20) while we were up in the mountains.  Most of my family was together for our sister trip the next weekend, so I made cookies to tell my family.  It was so much fun!!

Daddy had been promoted in January, but his insurance didn’t start until 6 months later, so we didn’t go to our first doctors’ visit until August 26, when you were almost 15 weeks old.  They did an ultrasound, and we got to see you for the very first time, and it was such a beautiful experience.  I, of course, cried, and Daddy smiled a lot and held my hand the whole time.   We could already tell that you were such a beautiful baby!

We had doctors’ appointments every month; they would check my blood pressure and your heartbeat.  Your heartbeat was always so strong, and such a beautiful sound!  On September 25^th we had a special ultrasound at a different office to find out if you were a boy or a girl.  It was so cool to see you moving around inside of my belly.  We asked the technician not to tell us if you were a boy or a girl, but to write it on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope.  Daddy went to work after the appointment, and I was left at home all day with the envelope just itching to open it, but I was good, and didn’t.  We met Grandpa, Grandma, Uncle Evan, Uncle Jared, Aunt Brittany, Nana and Poppie at B.J.’s that night; Daddy and I had been there earlier for dinner, and given them the envelope, so they were all super excited about what we were doing.  We waited for what seemed like forever, and they came out with a giant chocolate chip cookie, and on it they had written “girl.”  I was blown away!  I had wanted a girl so bad, but I thought you were going to be a boy because there are only boys in Daddy’s family, but my dreams came true!  Grandpa and Grandma thought you were going to be a girl, so they brought you a pink soccer ball; it was very sweet!

Because of Daddy’s work schedule, he wasn’t able to go to many of our doctors appointments, and after my appointment on November 11^th, the doctor called me back in to go over the ultrasound they had done.  She said that there was an abnormality on the ultrasound and that they could see something on your brain; I couldn’t hear anything else that she said.  I was lost. I didn’t know what to think; there was something on your brain that could be harmful.  The doctor asked if I was okay, and while trying not to cry, I said I was.  I went out to the car, and just sobbed, I felt completely helpless.  My little girl, my precious baby growing inside of me, had something bad growing on her brain.  I called Daddy and told him, not knowing much information, and he so bravely told me that everything was going to be okay, then, he called Grandma and Grandpa.  I also called Aunt Bethany, and she called the rest of my family to ask everyone to pray.  I drove back home and called the doctor to find out exactly what she had seen.  She said it was a 6 mm choroid plexus cyst, and that they’re common, but could potentially be harmful.  Grandma and Grandpa picked me up and took me to the farmers market, and out to lunch because they didn’t think I should be alone, and they were right.  

Our doctor asked us to get another ultrasound done to recheck it, so on December 8^th, Daddy and I went to another doctor for the ultrasound.  As much as I loved seeing you again moving around inside of me, I was so nervous about the cyst, but praise the Lord, it was gone, they didn’t see it at all!  Daddy and I were so happy!

My sisters and Nana took me out to lunch in Washington while we were at Uncle Bob and Aunt Wendy’s for Christmas, and it was such a wonderful time.  They gave me the wonderful Ergo backpack that you already love!  On January 15^th, Nana’s church had a baby shower for us at Donna Gruenholz’s house.  It was a lovely day, and I felt so honored, and you got so many beautiful things!  The our church had a baby shower for us the following weekend, and I was surprised at how many people came. Jessa, Alita and Lori hosted the shower and it was so nice.

I was starting to feel so big by this point.  For the most part, I had loved being pregnant, I didn’t mind my growing belly, I never got morning sickness, and the only two things that I didn’t like were the horrible heartburn, and the carpel tunnel in my hands and wrists.  But, now that my ankles were so swollen, and I couldn’t get comfortable at night to sleep, I was ready to have you, to meet this beautiful girl growing inside of me, but it was only the end of January, and you weren’t due until February 19^th.  I started cleaning the house. I didn’t go too crazy like some people, but I cleaned more than normal.  I finished your room, tried to pack my bag for the hospital, and tried to keep busy. Daddy would give me things to focus on before he left for the day: laundry, vacuuming, dishes, taking a walk with Barley. But it usually wasn’t more than two things a day, because he still wanted me to take naps and not stand on my feet for too long.  

On January 29^th, my good friend Julie got married up in Oregon, so we had traveled up there to make her cake and go to her wedding. Since that drive home, I had been having Braxton Hicks contractions almost every day.  Finally on February 16^th around midnight, the contractions changed, and I just knew I was going to meet you soon!  They were about 10-15 minutes apart, which meant I was still able to sleep in between them.  I woke up at 9, and started timing them, and they had gone to 8-10 minutes apart.  I ate some breakfast, and then took a shower, which slowed them to 15 minutes apart again.  I took a nap and when I woke up at 11:30, they were 7 minutes apart, and I was so excited.  The contractions hurt, but they were bearable, so I went to the kitchen to make some macaroni and cheese.  I opened the refrigerator to get the butter out, but dropped the butter plate, which broke on the floor.  I was trying to lean over to sweep it up, because Barley was trying to get into it, and I couldn’t do it.  I called Daddy, sobbing and asked him to come home to clean up the butter.  He got home at 1, and we worked through the contractions together and ate lunch.  Our midwife had told us that we would need to go in early because I was strep B positive, and they needed to get the antibiotic in me before you were born, so at 2:45, when the contractions were 3-5 minutes apart, we went to the hospital, and called Nana on the way over.

The nurse checked me in. I was 4 centimeters dilated, and completely effaced, so I was admitted as active labor.  After they had hooked me up to the IV for the antibiotic they told me I would have to get the IV fluids because I was dehydrated.  Once they were done, they dimmed the lights and Daddy and I hung out, talked about you, laughed and worked through the contractions, and they were hard.  They hurt very badly, but I wanted to bring you into this world without nasty drugs in your body, and I didn’t want to have drugs in me hindering me from remembering everything.  I wanted to give you the best start to your life here possible, and I knew having a natural birth was the best way to go.  The contractions hurt worse than I had prepared myself for, but your Daddy was so strong and held my hand throughout the whole thing.  All I wanted to do was lay on that bed and go to sleep, but I couldn’t, so Daddy would hold my hand, then massage my back, and he tried doing my favorite thing, massaging my feet, but I hated it.  I wanted to keep moving my feet, I couldn’t keep them still, and I did not want him touching them. 

Nana got there at 5:45 and we were so happy she got there on time.  My midwife, Irene told us that it would probably be a while, that you might not make your arrival until around midnight, so Nana went to the cafeteria to get dinner for her and Daddy, and Irene went home to get dinner at around 6.  My water broke at 6:15 and the contractions got even harder. I knew I would meet you soon and all I wanted to do was push.  Daddy went to tell the nurses that my water broke and I felt like I should push, so one of the nurses walked slowly into the room, thinking I didn’t know what I was talking about, but when she saw the computer, she called for the other nurses.  About 8 of them ran in and started changing the room around.  One of them put 4 more bracelets on me, one on Daddy, and another started breaking apart the bed I was lying on, another got the warm bed ready for you, and the others were just running around doing other things, but I was focused on you.  My nurse told me I couldn’t push, that she wasn’t going to deliver you, and that I had to wait for Irene to get back.  Nana finally got back with dinner, she had been on the phone with Poppie, and Irene got back at 6:50.  When she opened my legs she cold already see your head.  Despite the nurse telling me not to push, there was barely anything I could do to keep my body from pushing.  Irene told me I could start pushing with the contractions, and Daddy did such a great job, never leaving my side, holding my hand and my leg, and saying he was so proud of me.  I pushed 4 times, and it was the most incredible thing feeling your little body come out of me.  Irene told me to stop pushing after your head was out because the umbilical cord was wrapped around your little neck four times, you must have been doing so many somersaults in there.  She cut the cord and got it off your neck and you were dark purple, but they put you right on my chest and you turned pink right away.  You were born at 7:09pm, weighing 6 pounds, 2 ounces and 18 inches long, and so perfect!   I didn’t want to let you go.

They took you to the warm bed and daddy cut the rest of your cord. He gave you your very first bath, swaddled you up in a blanket, put a hat on your head and held you, just staring at your pretty face.  Daddy was so excited to meet you.  

Grandma, Grandpa and Uncle Evan got there a few minutes after you were born, because you came so quickly and Daddy didn’t have time to call them before you came. They were so happy to meet you!  Uncle Jared and Aunt Brittany came a little while later, and everyone helped us move into our other room.  We hung out until 10:45 when they all left, and then it was just the three of us, our first night together as a family of three.  Daddy got in bed with us and cuddled until 1 am when we put you in the little bed next to next to us.  I just wanted to keep holding you, counting your fingers and toes, and looking at your beautiful hair, nose and your gorgeous face.  I didn’t want to go to sleep, I just wanted to hold you, but Daddy told me that I needed to sleep, so I did.  You nursed right away, and I was so happy that you did it so well!

Nana came over the next morning with Starbucks, and the four of us stayed together all day.  Nana loved singing to you and you would just stare at her and listen.  Grandma and Joanne came over on their lunch break to visit you, and then Grandpa, Grandma, Uncle Evan, Uncle Jared and Aunt Brittany all came over again that evening to see you, and they didn’t want to stop holding you.  We were able to go home on Friday afternoon, and Daddy introduced you to Barley. He was very nervous to meet you, but loves you so much now. 

Since leaving the hospital, you’ve had so many visitors.  You’ve met your Poppie, all your aunts, uncles, cousins, and so many of our friends.  You were dedicated at our church on Mothers day, and it was such a beautiful experience.  We are so blessed to raise you in such a Godly church. 

You’re 3 months old now, and I am daily amazed with you.  I love holding you, changing your diaper, singing to you, talking with you, praying with you, giving you baths, anything that has to do with you, I love it!  You’re now 11 pounds, 24 inches long, and sleeping like a champ.  Your doctor loves seeing you, and has commented at every appointment about how cute you are.  She’s also very proud of your weight gain and growth!

You are such a blessing to our family, Brooklynne.  I thank God for you everyday, and we feel so blessed to get the chance to raise you.  Thank you for being such an incredible daughter!

With all the love in the world,

Mommy